Thou shall not be so perfect.
Dear friends,
I am deeply plagued by a terrible disease called
Perfectionism.
Perhaps you have heard of this sickness
(or maybe even suffer from it as well)?
Over the years, it has seeped into my life, paralyzing me
from relationships, my talents, trying new things, and simply living.
It has been a great challenge of mine over the past several years
to fight it and learn how to live a life with flaws.
Before I started to learn this about myself,
I unknowingly lived without risk because it cancelled out any opportunity
to mess anything up with my flaws.
Instead of trying to be ME,
I wanted to be PERFECT.
And once I realized that I couldn’t be perfect,
I didn’t even want to try to just be the best me.
My disease really takes on a new life form when I am at my craft.
It started with my artwork,
which is why I made myself this:
(yes, I might be flawed but I am still wonderfully made)
and it has now worked its way into my cooking/baking/blog.
Blogging has been very interesting, to say the least.
It has brought such a tremendous joy and outlet for my creativity
which has been like a breath of fresh air, really.
However, I notice this push towards perfectionism at times.
When it happens, I try to stay as in tune with it as much as possible.
Sometimes, the ideas I come up with in my head
do not always translate nearly as well into reality as I had hoped.
In fact, sometimes I just want to completely chuck it
into the trash, hide under the covers, and yell:
SCREW IT! NO POST TOMORROW!!!
(((However, how fun would it be to only show my triumphs???)))
Yesterday was one of those days as I attempted
to make what I saw in my brain:
a cupcake-turned-New Year’s party hat.
a). These were a real bitch to do.
b). They didn’t turn out as I had hoped. At all.
c). These things began to piss me off.
As I felt that all-too-familiar sense of perfectionism creeping up,
I reminded myself of this quote I heard recently from an artist:
“[If] it’s not perfect, that’s okay because it is a handmade thing.
We are not perfect…
There is no such thing as perfect.
At a certain point you have to stop and let it go and have its life.”
(This is me letting go and allowing my cupcake hats to have its own life).
Moments like yesterday are teaching moments for me;
this I am well aware of now.
They tell me that my need to be perfect is still deeply rooted…
and to not judge it but just see it as it is.
They also teach me that doing the brave thing is to follow through with it.
Perfectionism is so much about fear isn’t it?
But what are we most afraid of if we fail?
For me, it’s the loss of those I most care about.
Somewhere along the way, I picked up this insane message
that in order to be loved, I must be perfect.
But the beauty of following through on our fears
is that the more we face them, the more we see that our deepest anxieties
are nowhere near the truth.
You, my friend, are still here, reading this post
despite it not meeting my expectations, aren’t you?
(or at least I hope you are–ha!)
The truth is, it is more attractive to at least try
than to be so scared to never have done anything.
So maybe the best thing we can ask of ourselves this coming New Year
is to be a little more gentle on our expectations of ourselves.
Maybe “Losing 10lbs” can be demoted down to the 2nd most important Resolution
and put “Learn to love my flaws” as the first.
Now that is something I tip my hat off to…
I would totally wear those paper plates, I mean hats
There are no failures, only learning curves and detours. Uncover discover discard, one of my favorite sayings. If your motive is clean and kind, there is success. Okay enough pop psych from me. I think I need a cup of coffee. May we all feel a little better about our unique selves today. I love your blog. xo
More pop psych! More pop psych!
Thank you GiG!!!i <3
I am making a pot of coffee right now–wanna come over for some? Sugar cookies just came out of the oven too…ready to be dipped in icing… What am I, luring Hansel and Gretel into the candy home or something??
Oh man it’s wafting to my kitchen. and you know what the coffee does smell perfect! More pop psyc soon. Haha.
I would never drink an imperfect cup
I first loved your blog cos of your turkey designs and then kept coming back for your thoughts and writing. Who gets to say who’s perfect anyway??? Instead of looking for perfection, just try and make someone else’s day but making someone else happy!
Such perfect timing as I’ve nominated you for an award:
http://thebigfatnoodle.com/2011/12/30/boys-will-be-boys-and-happy-new-year-wishes-to-all/
I love that line: “Who gets to say who’s perfect anyway?” Brilliant! Thank you for all of your thoughtful and sweet comments. They also mean so much to me. And thank you so much for the award, by the way. That just made my day!!
When I read your blog I’m thinking, “Me, too. Mhm, me too on that. Yup, perfectionism, got that. Learning to be okay with failure *nod*. Doubting self. Check.” I suffer(ed) from it for a long time myself. I was just pondering yesterday how nice it would be to be able to see ourselves the way other see us. I think we’d be able to let go easier. When we are agonizing over the tiniest detail, our friends are admiring the obvious hard work and dedication we’ve put into the thing we are furious at for not being perfect. When we are hating ourselves and thinking we are on our own, our friends are admiring how “together” we seem and how ferociously independent we are. A couple of my friends have recently said, “I wish I believed in myself, again. Or believed I could do/be better” and my thought is always…How can they not see how amazing they are? But I know how we can not, I do it, too.
I used to be plagued by these terrible days when I thought I was hideous and gross. Whenever that happened, I would always look at myself in the mirror and ask for eyes to see myself in the light that others see me. It’s funny because I can’t tell you the last time that I had a day like that–it’s been a long time ever since I started to try to stop the crazy thought once they popped into my mind. Isn’t it funny how it all really begins and ends in your brain? If we don’t gain hold on those thoughts, they can convince us of the worst lies… xo Loving what you wrote! <3
Seriously. Where do you get these ideas?! Too cute!
I’ve never really bought into the perfectionist thing. Probably an only child/everything I did was awesome thing. Ha! Maybe you need more of my, “Eh. It’s good enough,” attitude
Happy New Year!
Can you jar it up and ship some to me???
Cara..you have no idea how much I needed to read this post today. I’m about to cry!
I guess being so young, it’s hard for me to see that perfectionism isn’t everything. But it’s nice to see that you have the same struggles. I mean, your words describe everything that I have been feeling for so long. And it’s true – perfectionism stops you from living and from being the best person you can be. The main reason I haven’t been feeling so great lately (on top of being sick) is because I can’t get out of this “no can do” attitude towards everything. Even towards my blog. It’s like a waste of time to me sometimes.
Man! You made me all emotional! haha, oh well. I’m just sensitive.
But I love you for writing about this today. It’s so awesome that you post about things like this, because it’s true that not everything is successful and pretty behind the scenes.
YOU RULE.
Oh my little Isobelle–I cannot tell you how HAPPY I was to see your name over here! I’m so glad to hear that this post touched you so! Sometimes, we need to be reminded of the things that we already know but forget often enough. I can tell you story after story about the “sad” Cara who spent the majority of her life locked inside her room, afraid to actually live. Maybe when we get coffee we can compare stories
I think that the more you fail and the less you judge yourself, the more you learn that perfectionism isn’t everything. That simply comes from experience. You have your entire life to figure this one out. I just started this process about 5 years ago so I still have so far to go, but it’s amazing what happens when you face your fears and realize that it didn’t destroy you after all. That is what gives you the courage to keep failing and being okay with it. Though, I’m not gonna lie, it’s still difficult at time.
About the blog, meh. I totally get it. But the funny thing about blogging is that if you do it correctly, people invest in YOU, not necessarily your food. This is what you have succeeded at–people want to read your posts because they (me, especially!) truly and genuinely like YOU as a person. So it’s not a waste of time really because, you are not a waste of time. And if you think you are, well, then we must knock some sense into you
Big hugs and kisses to you, my friend!!
Cara, you’re so special!
Thank you oh mighty Cara of wise words (seriously). You’re very right.
About everything.
Well, not everything (unless you’re secretly some mad genius). Just what you said in the comment.. you speak duh truth, man
But I feel better knowing someone understands.
I watched “Elf” last night and simply thought of you the entire time. YOU are special! xoxo
hehe
And yes, everything I say is right…and perfect
awhh!
I can’t even count on two hands how many times I have watched Elf this month.
You have been slacking… tisk tisk.
this post is right up my alley! we women are seriously nuts.. such perfectionists and control freaks.. every year i make it a point to let go a little.. just a little..
those hats are adorable with those blow out pipes..super cute! and dont even ask me how many drafts i have sitting waiting to be finished and posted coz i just dont like the picture or the outcome or something about it… but i will post them.. yes i will!
i need to pick up some giveashititis from brooke.
if i could.. i’d be there for those hats and all the celebration goodies! no planes for me right now:(.. so we will have to make do with a phone call or wait.. maybe we should all “hangout” on google+.. virtual video conference celebration! ok maybe too nerdy and alone thing thing to do.. but my techie mom is going to do that from her new iphone which we got her during her trip in october.. she gets intrigued by all these new ways to interact!
blab fest over..
as hubbs says.. look at the bigger picture! dont let small things affect you.. and keep creating all these super fun things!
I’m thinking I need to make a trek out and up to the Northwest–so many fun bloggers located out there! We could do a little get together weeked–FUN!!! Brooke will be our guide for the weekend, better yet, our guru, on how to inject a dose of giveashitis into our souls. Done. I’m planning it now… <–completely serious too
oh yay! yeah.. plan seriously! I would love to host u! we live right in downtown, 2 blocks from the ocean.. sorry no white sandy beaches.. but hey its water! i can deglutenize my kitchen.. no worries.. let me know the level of intolerance and i can decide about the amount of scrubbing needed! isobelle is i think 30 odd miles from downtown.
Ohmygosh, you, me, Isobelle, and anyone else in the area! Eeeeee!!! How fun would THAT be???
Okay, so I just think these are the cutests little characters…creative, festive, and fun loving little celebraters! I want a bite!
I know your perfectionist side and I know the side that is * hey! that’s the way it is * side. Both sides make you a whole (and real) person…and what a terrific person you are!!!
Getting off my soap box now.
P.S. How many things do you think Julia Child had to throw out for each recipe that made it to her book? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
XOXOXO
Go ahead and get back on that soapbox, woman. May you forever proclaim the tennents of the “Carol and Cara Mutual Appreciation Club”!!! Hahaha. Love you, muah!
This post has got to be my favorite of yours yet – it’s real, raw, true, open and beautiful!!!! What a blessing you are for speaking your mind and sharing your true struggles with your admiring and humbled readers! It takes real guts to throw stuff out there like this and its your words and your actions that inspire me and make me want to be a better me…the real me not one that strives for the exact perfectionism that you so struggle with as well. I share this exact struggle and it has hindered my relationships, progress, jobs and all sorts of aspects of life that it seems to touch; it’s hard to escape this feeling and aspiration to be perfect – now this is a resolution to raise a glass to!
and yes yes yes, you ARE beautifully and wonderfully made XOXOXO!
PS. although your creation may not have turned out exactly how you wanted it, they are still super cute
I love how you said your perfectionistic side of you isn’t the REAL you. Exactly! Life is about uncovering your false self and discovering your true self–the one that doesn’t care about being perfect. Thank you for always being such a tremendous amount of encouragement, love and support not only to Fork and Beans but to me as well, Nora. You are marvelous beyond words. xox
Love you
Awesome.
Thank you my friend! xoxox
Thanks for your post Cara. Personally, I like seeing your posts about failures as much as the ones about the successes (I’m remembering the one about cookies and economics specifically). They make my regular failures in the kitchen seem more normal. I struggle to let go of my perfectionism when it comes to cooking with my six year old daughter. We made melted snowman cookies for her class this year and the part of me that wanted them all to look just right had to take a back seat to the part that wanted to let her be a part of the process. That was not easy for me but the cookies turned out fine, if a bit more messy, and she has a fun memory now about the process and not just the result. Here’s hoping I don’t pass the perfectionism curse on to her.
I think that is best thing about all of it and you said it perfectly: It is about the memories of the process that will hold onto and not the result. Amen to that! Thank you for this Shane! So great to hear from you. xoxo
I don’t think the hats are that bad! I could tell they were hats! That’s the main thing! And those little faces and blow outs are too cute! As for my perfectionism, I think it’s in the kitchen somewhere… maybe under last week’s dirty dishes… Unfortunately, I have the exact opposite of perfectionism. It’s called “giveashititis.” If I can make it though a day with both kids still alive, I’m good. But that means I’ve got junk piling up everywhere. I still haven’t put the boxes away from when I took the Christmas decorations out. My “itis” is getting a little suffocating. Maybe we should hang out and share germs…
Haha! YES PLEASE!! I hear that having kids does that to you–and not in a bad way either but you just don’t care as much as things going perfectly because kids do a good job showing you that it’s not possible. Maybe I should have one or 2… Eeek! Listen to me, none of this nonsense at the moment, no! But I like your idea about sharing germs. An even trade off
It’s not so much that they “show you it’s not possible” as much as they take your perfection, break it, put toys all over it, stomp on it, and then zook all over it.
Ohmygosh, I am trying so hard not to laugh out loud here in the office! You are way too funny, Brooke
Ummm, I can’t relate to this at all and have no personal knowledge of anything that you may or may not be speaking about … mmmmm, hmmmmm … not me, not you, certainly not your sister. I will continue to live in my cloud of pointless expectations and ridiculous assumptions … don’t pull the wool from my eyes yet sister … I believe to be loved I must be perfect. Perfection is the only way. Geez, that sounds insane, typing it out even.
I love you woman. You are brave. You are inspiring. You are imperfect in all the perfect ways. Ok, pulling the wool back over now ………….. word.
The truth is, I was just writing about someone I know who suffers from perfectionism. I clearly don’t have a problem either and want to clear the air as well. These are just wives’ tales I have heard of that I know nothing about
Yeah right. Nice try, Jess 
I was watching “Intervention” the other day and heard the most interesting thing from the counselor. She said “Secrets makes people sicker. We must never keep secrets but: Uncover. Discover. Discard.” I loved that. xoxo
lady! those party hats are freakin adorable! i’m so glad you decided to post them
i am a crazy perfectionist, too. i really struggle sometimes with being completely consumed by it. it’s nice to know i’m not alone.
you’re amazing. MWA!
It’s funny how our perfectionism can allow up to not see things, isn’t it? Just because they aren’t the way I wanted them to look, doesn’t mean they didn’t take on their own life form and are perfect as they need to be. I started to look at them different yesterday when I gave up my expectations of what they *should* be and that is when I saw party hats. Hey, they *did* turn out okay after all
Always nice knowing that the people we are surrounded by also struggle with the same issues. YOU are amazing!
You didn’t warn me that I needed to be wearing my steel-toed shoes for that one. You stepped all over them. In the past several years, tackling gluten free cooking along with beginning to paint has taught me soooo much about perfectionism. Unfortunately, they have not yet helped me overcome it. Are you *sure* we’re not related?
Oh and I think your cupcakes are adorable too. C&S has a great point about how others see us. I have people tell me often they think it’s amazing the stuff I do but I spend too much time looking at the things I can’t (or dont) do. You’re right. We need to stop it. We were indeed created wonderfully!
I think we *are* related, Dawn
Time to put this on the top of our New Years Resolutions List!
YES!!! Gluten free cooking/baking is THE worst at attacking the perfectionism in us, isn’t it??? Oh man, you should have seen me the first month back in July. I was a wreck! An utter wreck. People have no idea how HARD it is to cook without gluten, eggs or dairy who don’t do so, and when we come up with something that tastes good, what a victory!! Unfortunately there is no such thing as a fool-proof gluten free recipe. So finicky and fickle, it’s ridiculous. But it’s good especially for people like ourselves. We get to learn constantly about life through our cooking and our painting. I don’t think we ever overcome it, we just learn how to let it pass us when it happens
xoxoxo!!
Hey, that’s a resolution I can tip my (cupcake) hat to too!
One of the things about blogging daily for me is that it has meant that I need to put something out every day, whether or not it’s perfect. Though this results in some posts that are just not terribly noteworthy, I think it’s good for me overall… because I really *like* blogging and sometimes I *do* come up with some cool stuff, but if I let myself get sucked into the perfectionism vortex, then *nothing* gets posted because nothing seems good enough/interesting enough/worth taking up bytes on the internet.
So I hear where you’re coming from entirely.
And you’re right that you have to remember how different you look through other people’s eyes though. You may think your hats are failures, but I think they’re totally adorable and delicious looking. And even if they were horrible, really just unspeakably bad, I would still read your blog anyway!! And laugh and commiserate with you about your cake fail.
I feel the same way about blogging every day as well, Nikki! It is good for our souls to do so because we learn that it’s not a big deal and the most amazing, supportive, and loyal readers still keep coming back regardless. Why? It is because of *us* not our food. And maybe The Emperor has a bit to do with it as well
Here’s an imperfect us in the New Year! xoxo
Gosh you’re brave.I struggle with perfectionism because I’m afraid I’ll die if I get anything wrong. Talk about twisted. Having said that I want to wear the hat with the red brim.I can’t though because you gave it a home. I don’t generally start my morning laughing like that. So very adorable, like their creator.
They are pretty ridiculous looking NYE celebrators, aren’t they??? Oh well. hahahaha. Can’t win them all
They are making me laugh as well! Sounds like you and I have a new year approaching full of mistakes and the realization that no one has left us and that we are still alive 
xo
Roger that – hopefully it’ll get easier. Go bask in the sun for me will ya?
Once I get off of work, I will take my bike down to the beach in your honor!
Your Birds (?) with the Cupcake hats are perfect in their own way- we all are , in our own unique way – thanks for writing from the heart, it is an absolute joy getting to know you through your amazing blog….
Thank you so much Heather! They are actually people with one of those blowy things in their mouths that unroll–BAHAHAHA!!! The true sign of not being affected by perfectionism: Not getting upset when someone can’t tell what I created. Ha. This is progress and boy, does that feel good
Cara- you rock! Thank you for speaking your mind and opening your heart! It is so true that the weight of perfectionism keeps me from missing out on so many things.
I struggle with it everyday and live my life almost completely alone because of it.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone
Your art is gorgeous and more so because of those tiny humanizing imperfections!
You are WAY not alone on this–I think as women especially, there is a common thread among most of us. The most helpful thing I have learned is Awareness, Awareness, Awareness. Always be aware and never judge–just see as it is. xo, Thank you Reid!